...fear of dependency...

finally, i've managed to unveil this phobic ailment within me...

last wednesday, i accompanied Q to buy her prepaid top up ticket...and we were quite impressed with a new Sony Ericsson mobile phone (i don't know the model series)...oo...maybe i just like the limited edition version in sweet pink casing...

and so, i asked how much will i get for trading in my old Nokia 6500 slide...around RM350...hurmm...

i went back home that evening searching for my Nokia's box and whatnots...hey, i've been using it for nearly 2 years, folks! hence, a good deal if i could secure RM300, right?!hahaha

oklaa...that's not the point, really...

now, having known that i've been stucked with this Nokia for 2 years is telling me that i've been almost independent for 3 years ++...i can say my life was a bliss but i've been hiding...i thought that i've given myself chances...

oh no...actually i've dismissed myself...

blame it on my past experiences...i've become extra cautious at everytime...i've been running...i've neglected many regards, attention directed in my way...just like that...

don't get me wrong...i'm not playing 'hard to get'...i am naturally a simple girl...i just couldn't be fair with my healing time...which was sad...

so now, i need to overcome my fear of dependency...

being independent is good, but sometimes being dependent is better...see in which angle you're referring to...

i can depend on S when it comes to being sick (sakit kakilah, demamlah, batuklah), work problems, house problems...and i love discussions of my soul searching...S gives me something to ponder...and i can share my joy as well...my guess, again, S cared...a little...

and so, i become scared...

current happening:

last friday, i depended on S...huhu...we had a convoy trip upon my initiation...i believe He wills it...alhamdulillah...S did care...a little...

yes, S had mentioned that he's going with the flow...but hey, you know what?!!

i am scared...

Allahuakbar...yesterday, we met for the first time for the year 2010..haaaaa :)

eventually, our paths surely crossed with Allah's wills...insyaAllah...

p/s: i would want to update on many many other things (my blergghhh job, my home hunting, my upcoming trip) but it seems that i'm settling for this weird encounter of me and S...friends, pray for the best...i truly appreciate that...thanks!

me = 'that girl'

huhu....my lovely girlfriends cheered me up yesterday...

early morning, we had pre-lunch gossip session via instant messages...

F being the eager one to share her findings (a gedik girlfriend) + P my bestest buddy ever (a loving mama and wife) + J my supportive ex-roomie (a new wife)...

our conversations mainly focused on 'that girl'...

here are part of the story:

two days back, F had a breakfast session with her colleagues...including S...
they chatted and one of F's friend:L brought up the subject of me and S...oopss...

and S admitted that he and me are smsing....yeay...
the fact that he did being open to inform his friends about us makes me somewhat relieved and joyful...a positive indication...thank you Allah...

F gasped at that confession...hahahaha...nice one...

the next thing was, S asked for advice from F and L regarding 'that girl'...S made it sound casual but F was interpreting 'that girl' as me...

according to S, he's in a stage of going with the flow with 'that girl'...hence, now i know, S cared a little for 'that girl'...this is enough...

i don't know who's 'that girl'...
i'm glad if i'm 'that girl'...alhamdulillah...

now, i'll be just me...and go with the flow too...
let's crossflow with Allah's wills...insyaAllah...
my supplication remains intact...

then, i got lots of encouragement and tips and experience sharing by baton passing of F, P and J...thank you so much...

...foreign emotion...

ermm...jangan putus asa dengan rahmat dan pertolongan Allah,

kalau kite dh bjaye tawakkal, itu tandenye kite x putus asa dgn Allah

thank you S...

i got this advice from S yesterday morning when i voiced out my miserableness in accepting my fate...it sure is difficult...

OK, i will put my best to really humbling myself in accepting His wills...insyaAllah...

oo Allah, please cure my stubbornness...and give me simple signs...

love me and love S dearly please...aminn...

and yesterday, S received happy news...made him feel good...i feel good too...and i'm proud of S's achievement...congratulations...Allah Maha Adil...

what is a foreign emotion?!!
ermm, actually it stems out from a feeling i can't possibly describe...

i've been thinking about this 2 days ago:

you see, after all frank confessions that i've made public here...never had i cared enough to consider what will i feel if i am S...these things do not happen to me...

reading back all my posts, i still can't feel what i think it should be felt like...

i want to feel but i am not S...

to my readers out there, you're reading my feelings, right?!! my stories are my stories (meaning: my side)...

what if you're S?!! how would you feel?
you can't feel, right?

only S knows...

haaa...i'm in dilemma...

one of my bestie said: it's OK dear, your posts are anonymously written...S is S...he's not *a*a*u*...

now, i am back to square one...i am 'mambar' - i am not happy, i am not not happy also...i am me...

and i love because of Him...He knows...

ohh liza, please be realistic...

OK, i write what i feel right now...my feelings are pure and dynamic...
i believe i love because of Him...i don't know S...

i want to know S if and only if S wants to know me too...

kalau sudah berkenan di hati, berterus-teranglah (i am not ready) dan minta dia meminang (my wish)...

but, as i've made a promise to S that i will strive to really tawakkal, then all shall be placed upon His wills...

and i've got a note from another bestie: aliza...ko rase ko dh jumpe yg baik...itu ko rase...cube ko bukak lagi, ko jumpe yg lg baik...kite x tau kan...mase tu nnt ko terpk balik, knape laa ko suke yg sebelum ni...kan dah brape kali rase...

i nodded...yess...

and jodoh bukan jodoh sehinggalah sudah ijab dan kabul...Allahuakbar...

...gila bayang itu hukumnya harus...

home hunting is my newest enthusiasm...this shall keep me busy for quite sometimes now...it's the phase of life in which i feel it's about time i ought to have a quality living on my own...i need my space...i'm currently eyeing on cozy apartment or condominium located either in Setapak or Ampang district...new develop properties don't interest me much as i'm planning to move out from No14 at this very year...i'm praying for the best to come...aminn...

last monday, i had a quite stressful day at work...half of DGAs went holidaying in Krabi...huuu~~~Abie went to Oman for business trip...and i can't go makan with Beebee...she had her busy time too :(

there went my boring monday morning...mengade me?!!oh yess...i did asked on S's well being via instant messages...

no reply in the morning - my hati perempuan was wondering: am i matter to S?

i kept my nerves at bay...later at around 3pm, S replied asking what's with my odd question...i explained that if i turn to care for others' problems, eventually they will ease me from mine...

getting my points across, S shared his day...i poured a little of my unhappiness - and jokingly asked for S's favour to set them free at the ocean...(S's department will be having a teambuilding session the day after in PD)

S laughed it off and started reminding me of the Hereafter getting nearer...i was dumbstrucked for seconds and i answered back in agreement...S then advised me on being patience...his advice calmed me...i love hearing them...i related it to a story i've read:

there was once a sahabat asked our prophet Muhammad (pbuh) for advice...and he answered with just two words: Jangan Marah (in Arabic)...again, this sahabat asked for advice from him...he replied back with the exact two words also: Jangan Marah (in Arabic)...i like this story for it teaches us to be patient by keeping our anger...

and i think i've given the same advice to S...maybe twice...because sometimes i feel S is garang...of course laa he'll be denying...

OK...back to S's conversation with me...i ended them wishing S to relax during his teambuilding session; not worrying as i can be patient with my problems...and so can he with his...insyaAllah...

then, the whole of last week went by with 'kurang teman bicara' mode...haha...

anyway,i still had my good time kain shopping with Azwa & Pipah...they lured me for 'just seeing' trip to Abang Hadi's house...hey...come on laa...how can i be 'just seeing'?!!now, i got myself 3 more kain pasang...we had a good bargain...thank you...and i even purchased a blouse for Mama...

ohh...and next thing was, my roomie came back from her honeymoon...she had her time at No14 packing her stuffs...on wednesday night, we went together to her new resident in Bukit Jalil...huu...so far la Ujie...wish you well my dear...

finally thursday came - last working day of the week...yeay...still the same boring day - i've concluded most of my short term job assignments...and it's time for PPA...i don't like this :(

in the evening, i received a text from Beebee of her return from the teambuilding session...S must be really tired and i don't want to kacau him...

when do i kacau S? hehe...on friday afternoon...

i texted S asking about his teambuilding session and jumped to my query on some matters...S provided his feedback and i asked another different question...this time, he didn't sure of the answer...i made him share the answer if we ever find it later and i wished S a happy recovery for he hurt himself a little during paintball time...

after Asar prayer, i sat down with Mama discussing things and i asked the very same question to Mama...Mama gave me three books...i tried to search for the answer but to no avail...

instead, i came across a different topic...something that interest me...here goes:

GILA BAYANG
Soalan: Apakah hukumnya seorang perempuan meminati seorang lelaki sedangkan lelaki itu tidak mengetahuinya?

Jawapan: Seseorang perempuan kalau meminati seseorang lelaki kerana kesolehan dan kebaikannya adalah dituntut dan hukumnya harus dalam Islam.Begitulah juga dengan seseorang meminati pemimpinnya yang soleh dan taqwa.Meminati di sini dalam ertikata mahu mencontohi ibadah-ibadahnya dan tingkah lakunya.

Sehubungan dengan itu kalau seorang perempuan meminati seorang lelaki soleh dengan hajat ingin berkahwin dengannya sudah tentu ini digalakkan malah ia merupakan langkah yang baik. Kalau sudah berkenan di hati, segeralah berterus-terang dan minta dia meminang.

Kalau meminati lelaki yang kurang dikenali kesolehannya lebih-lebih lagi yang jelas berperangai buruk, maka hal begini amatlah dilarang oleh Islam. Lelaki yang bakal menjadi suami mestilah orang yang lebih baik Islamnya daripada isterinya, ini kerana suami sebagai ketua yang akan bertanggungjawab mendidik isterinya itu.

Selain itu, kalau seorang perempuan meminati seorang lelaki untuk suka-suka saja tanpa ada keinginan hendak berkahwin dengannya adalah haram kerana ia akan membuka jalan-jalan maksiat.

BERCINTA KERANA ALLAH
Soalan: Bagaimana bentuknya yang dikatakan seorang lelaki dengan perempuan yang bercinta kerana Allah?

Jawapan: Percintaan kerana Allah bererti berlaku percintaan di antara dua insan kerana perintah Allah.Tiada berlaku dalam percintaan itu perbuatan maksiat sama ada kecil mahupun besar.Di sini dihuraikan apakah yang dimaksudkan dengan kerana perintah Allah itu.

Kita kena ingat bahawa Allah perintahkan kita supaya mengasihi orang yang lebih mulia daripada kita, menghormati orang yang beriman dan bertaqwa, membantu orang susah, menolong orang yang memerlukan pertolongan dan banyak lagi kerja-kerja kebajikan yang lain.

Jadi, kalau berlaku percintaan di antara dua insan itu hendaklah di atas dasar perintah Allah tadi. Ertinya, kalau seorang perempuan mencintai seorang lelaki hendaklah kerana ilmunya, akhlaknya, imannya dan Islamnya. Begitu juga lelaki, kalau mencintai perempuan hendaklah kerana mahu menyelamatkannya atau membelanya dari penderitaan yang ditanggung.

Percintaan yang murni adalah percintaan yang tidak didalangi nafsu syahwat. Mereka yang seperti ini tidak terbabit dengan pertemuan haram (khalwat), tiada perhubungan sulit dan tidak akan melakukan perbuatan-perbuatan haram yang lain. Mereka yang bercinta seperti ini sentiasa mahu disegerakan berkahwin untuk mengelakkan maksiat dalam bentuk apa pun. Setelah berkahwin percintaan tersebut disuburkan lagi, dipupuk, dibelai hingga kekal sepanjang hayat.

KENAPA SAYA LAMBAT BERTEMU JODOH
Soalan: Saya sehingga sekarang masih belum berkahwin. Kawan-kawan sebaya sering bertanya dan ini merunsingkan.

Jawapan: Soal lambat kahwin bukan soal kita, manusia mana yang tidak mahu berkahwin dan manusia mana pula yang hendak kahwin lambat.Kahwin adalah fitrah semua orang, semua hendak berkahwin. Cepat atau lambat bergantung kepada apa yang ditakdirkan Allah.Semuanya tersembunyi hikmat-hikmat tersendiri.

Jodoh tidak datang begitu mudah tanpa diusahakan. Oleh kerana kita tidak tahu siapa jodoh kita, maka beberapa usaha bolehlah dibuat. Di antaranya:

• Sembahyang hajat minta Allah ketemukan dengan orang yang soleh
• Minta ibu bapa carikan
• Minta bantuan orang tertentu yang amanah
• Setelah ada pilihan, sembahyanglah Istikharah untuk meminta pilihan tepat dari Allah
• Setelah pasti orangnya, hantarlah rombongan meminang

Kawan-kawan sepatutnya membantu mencarikan.Begitulah kawan yang baik.Umat Islam perlu memerlu dalam semua hal.

S, sudi tak bimbing Liza ke syurgaNya?

Mama said to me not to put much hope...it will come naturally easy...we can't foresee men...

but, gila bayang itu harus...ahakksss...

friends, do pray for our happiness...that will just do...thanks :)
will appreciate that...insyaAllah...aminn...

...if being sick bringing smiles, i am happy living it...

huhuhu...a comment from adiba in the previous entry: cerite korea ye..(hehe, more than that laa - ini kisah CinderLIZA)

actually, i've been keeping a lot to myself...bits of little little precious moments (meaningful & special to me at the point of time they were happening)...now, i want to remember...eventually, those are parts of my life...and S...

recently, i went for a free medical check-up organized by GHSE...i was offered basic examination plus blood test analysis...i've lost 2kgs since my 1 1/2 months jog session...yeay...4kgs more to lose, please...

and my blood test results finally was released on Wednesday...i am considered an average healthy adult...something that needs attention is my high uric acid level...it is far beyond the threshold limit...i was diagnosed with hiperuricemia...

i addressed this through my social network account and received caring notes from friends...including S...

erkk, sakit ape?!!

at one time, i was hurt when i got a remark from S saying my illness is of minor...S was sorry and i got his point of trying to comfort me by saying that he got even bigger health problem...

S: cehh...tinggi asid jek...

me: (terase)

S: sy ade high BP...sorry aa kalu terase...

what happens next was that - now, i'm the one who's worried that S now became terase with me...

i was quite curious that morning of S being caring...he's nice but never express it publicly...this is a progress...haha...dush...i'm over analyzing...again...

OK, back to the story...

because of my curiosity, i then viewed S's page and was strucked at his status notes...somebody had actually label S as a less brain...ohh...poor S...

and i knew that S surely had a bad day...i comforted S via instant messages then...my messages reached him...i know...

S resumed back...S even gave good nutritional advice...regardless of where he sourced that out, that was an effort...over analyzing...again...yess...i love it OK...

the truth is, my dear S, i've long known that you had high BP...way back before we went to Genting...that has never bothered me...both my parents had it too...mine is a mild one...having normal BP on the high side...

i've other lackings too...i've survived a near death experience...i've undergone 2 surgeries...now, am adjusting to different diet...that's why i'm holding on...i suppress my feelings...

but, i treasure life more and more...

and it's just there when i want to care for someone...someone like S...

recalling in July, S was hospitalized outside Malaysia...i was worried back then...but, i didn't do much...that was the time i was told by F - S once said we have no chemistry...

S even had a minor surgery (this one was in Malaysia)...i cared too...maybe a little concern...because we're friends...

that was cerita lama...i've no regrets...done my part...

it was then my time of having glaucoma...

after convocation ceremony, i went for my first surgery on my left eye...2 months recovery period until September...

next thing is - surgery on my right eye in middle of October which brought me to another 2 months recovery period until early December...

i guess everything happens for a reason...we never know...

deep down, i know i've become better in many subjects...i love even more...hanya Allah yang tahu...

over the time,i've felt the comfort...i now can turn to S for ngadu sakit...hahaha...something i don't consider to so many others... little by little, i found my trust in S...and i like it when he cares back...a little...i don't ask much...alhamdulillah...

ohh...talking about my no expectation of me and S... i just can't seem to resist my voices of the heart...

i will know my limit...insyaAllah...

and only He knows...and i trust Him in loving me and S...

...my happiness...

is totally indescribable...

i seek for it everytime...

today, i got a feeling this is a good time to write...i just feel wonderful...from my heart, i know in the next few lines, they are all pure expressions from me...

i currently read '7 things to talk about'...finished one chapter last night...it's a moderate reading...hence, i should balance out with a lighter book - will pick 'Lasykar Pelangi'...huuu...

i went to 2 friends' wedding receptions - both in Pontian...i love weddings...Ujie and Hana - congratulations to both of you and dear husbands...

in the middle of the 2 occasions (one occurring on 13 Feb while the other on 14 Feb), i've got a chance for a nature escape to Taman Negara Tanjung Piai together with Shon and Waida...it was a refreshing moment for the three of us...calming...ohh....considering our day-to-day hectic KL life...seeing monkeys and 'belacak' and molluscs...ohh what a bliss...smelling the mud of mangrove forests...even the sampans and perahus made me over excited...hahaha...

OK...now's the title entry...

last Tuesday, something struck me...it made me down the whole day...i was wrecked...

i was told that i was not moving on...

true in a sense that i've never think on the other perspective...being me, i analyzed and took positive way out (on almost everything)...this manner exhausted me...at some points...

i cried several times that day...i was sad...

luckily, Allah did send pretty angels...Abie, Yulie, Bearbear, Mas and even Beebee (jarak di antara kita...beribu batuu~~~rindu pada kamuuu~~)...

what happen was i finally open up/back my heart...and this leads to longing and hope and expectation...i created that...to myself...it is an illusion...and it was bad for my soul...i become dependent...

what is worse - i am hoping and leaning at something invisible and beyond my control...like my wise Abie said to me: "ko tak jumpe pun, ko boleh suke, parah nehh..."

nearly 2 months OK - me and my 'sandaran'...seems unrealistic (to most sane people)...but, saya ialah begini...no mistake...

my sweethearts are grateful when i'm finally opening up...a good step...yess...

but, if it's only me and my stubbornness - that is wrong...now, my sweethearts are worried of me getting hurt...again...by myself...

after a while, i'm back to my ultimate lover, Allah the Almighty...with Him, i corrected my intention...i completely surrendered to Him...insyaAllah...He calms me now...

i still open my heart...and my desire to halfly fulfill my religion is there...with His blessings, He shall rejoin me with His lover to guide me to His Jannah...insyaAllah...aminn...

p/s: S and me...hermm...no expectations... a good feeling there is...

...S noticed me...

haha...

yup...he did noticed me...ehh...no laa...S noticed Ryan....which eventually signalling that he noticed me...betul?!!

3 days ago...

or am i being over-analysing?!!
again?!!!

please knock my head...
dush 3x

still, that simple thing brighten my days (days OK - i'm just happy and happy)...

OK, i'll let you guys analyze...

it happened along Jalan Semarak, in the traffic after Friday evening office hours...

my SMS to S: Salam, hey, i saw Ipin (S's CITY) juz now, tp S x kenal Ryan ek,

his reply to me 15 minutes later: Hehe. X bape sure td. Tp rasenye dh btul.

...reality check - the tale of S and me...

alhamdulillah...it's much easier when you're accepting no expectations...

i care for no reason...i don't need one...

ohh...i'm in my alone time mode now...

start to grasp the wonder of it...

i heal quickly...praise to Allah the Almighty...

...aku pelangi...

ku selalu di hati
membuai rayumu
hiasi dunia sepimu
seukir senyuman dariku
menggegar mayamu
kau segalanya bagiku

takkan setia takkan kembali
bawa dirimu dan tinggalkan ku
ke matamu lihatlah diriku
aku pelangi yang dinanti

ku sinar cahayamu
disaat indahmu juga waktu resahmu
ku lukisan imaginmu
kini kau membisu setelah ku tiada

takkan setia takkan kembali
bawa dirimu dan tinggalkanku
ke matamu lihatlah diriku
aku pelangi yang dinanti

berharap bayangku pulang
nikmati tiada ku
ohh ooo...

ke matamu lihat diriku
aku pelangi yang dinanti
buka matamu
lihat diriku
aku pelangi...

...jangan bilang tidak...

ku pernah punya cinta (ehhh...tak pernah sebenarnye)

namun kini ku sedang suka kamu

cintaku dulu telah kubuang jauh (tak ade cinta dulu)

kini ku ingin kamu

ku pernah menyendiri 

di sini ku akan terasa sepi

walaupun bibir penuh gelak tawa 

namun hatiku sepi

jangan bilang tidak 

bila kita belum mencoba

siapa yang tahu akan sama 

hatimu dan juga hatiku

banyak yang bercinta 

bertahun-tahun putus juga

kuharapkan dengan dirimu 

walaupun singkat pendekatan

cinta kita kan abadi

ku pernah punya cinta  (tak ade ye)

namun kini ku sedang suka kamu

cintaku dulu telah kubuang jauh (betul2 tak ade OK)

 kini ku ingin kamu

jangan bilang tidak 

bila kita belum mencoba

siapa yang tahu akan sama 

hatimu dan juga hatiku

banyak yang bercinta 

bertahun-tahun putus juga

kuharapkan dengan dirimu 

walaupun singkat pendekatan

jangan bilang tidak 

waktu dicium aku bingung (oh...NO...haram nehh)

namun dada ini bergetar 

makanya sungguh aku mohon

jangan bilang tidak

...does S see me?!!

honestly, i don’t know…S and me haven’t met each other almost 40++ days now…

somehow, at this moment, i’ve come to the stage where my heart feels His LOVE…

Allah has shown me another dimension of life…a tragic event…loss of loved ones…

i now realize i should be true to myself…i am more accepting now…because i know Allah loves me…

and so i can LOVE too…without fear…Allah will protect me…

and so i care…for S…unconditionally…

i must take it easy on me…and S…

NO more too much thinking…i like the advice taken from lifebook 2010 (thanks Anna): “don’t take yourself too seriously, nobody else does.”

with that in mind, i’ve found a new hope…and i think the first failure is to not trying at all…i give myself chances all the time and most importantly, i believe in His LOVE…

here’s an incident with Mama –

Mama: Bakpo ni siku ni lagu ni?!! (pointing at my not-so nice marked elbow)
Me: Meme bughok lamo doh…
Mama: Tulah hok paling molek sekali…

alhamdulillah…thank you Mama…you see the perfect me in every way…
ergo, i now see others' perfectness too…

back to the question, Allah knows what’s best because He loves me and He loves S too…

if we’re destined to be together, Allah surely leads in His blessings…and if we weren’t meant for each other, please, oo Allah, do part us in Your Blessings too…insyaAllah…

i do what i want to and i’ve nothing to lose…i just LOVE~~~

S, kenape kite kawan macam ni?!!

an SMS from my bestie F: Huhu.Jgn la tanya.Soalan tu mcm pelik...
my reply to F: Kite kan pelik,kite tau tu,haha

oklaa...my happenings recently...

books i've read in the last 2 weeks: 101 Things to Do Before You DIET, Jadilah Wanita Terpuji Dunia & Akhirat
currently reading: Letters to Sam

latest movie i've watched: Adnan Sempit (4.03 stars) - an enjoyable outing - Thanks Mas!

congrats to Raf and Kasya on their wedding...

Ayu and Apisku moved in to their new crib...nice...hey, when can i come visit?

Ryan went for 25000km service, haven't renewed Shin Chan's road tax yet...and guess what - arwah Jack 'mati hidup semula'...this is interesting...i'll cover this one sometimes later...

and just two days ago, i've successfully registered for Energizer Night Race 2010...yeay...yeay...

...two posi+ve signs...

lalalalalalalala~~~

uhukk...uhukk... (am still coughing)

but somebody do cares...

:) :) :)