...i still believe...

it was yesterday, i talked crap...again...
ohh, why can't i get this over with?!!

i laughed it off during lunch...

and everytime, with different people, i will get different perspectives...

yet, stubborn me never listens..

i ended up following - whatever makes me happy~~~lalalalalala...

obviously, my brain and my heart are not aligned...need to have a reality check every now and then...

i keep changing my mind...but, i act nonchalantly...

i am complex...Allah understands me...and He, the Only One who knows...
ifs are of no concern...since He wills everything..

i still believe...that's what matters...

my problem should not be a problem...i created them to pass time...huuuuu...
that's how i gotten myself into unnecessary misery...

i like a saying from a friend:
kalu ikutkan, semua orang ade problem...tapi, janganlah menyusahkan orang...

luckily, i think most of my problems only trouble me...dear friends will keep on listening - thank you :) but, at the end of the day, i need to rescue myself...this is my beautiful life...

i listens well too...and so, i realized how ungrateful and selfish i am all this while...i fail to see the great many things i possess...

it is true then - Allah is the Most Fair...

nobody's perfect - in certain aspects, you might be OK...accordingly, there will be lackings in other aspects too...

living life is indeed a test...He'll examine in the Hereafter...subhanallah...

lately, i keep on reminding myself of death - this will ensure we behave humbly...insyaAllah...
__________________________________________________

i got my second fitness medal for the year 2010...yeay...Energizer Night Race 2010 - 10km Finisher Medal...woohoo...i even beat my own personal record by finishing in approximately 75 minutes...congratulations liza and friends...

the next day (Sunday), i treated myself...went to AsterSpring AU2...then, a great lunch at Leo's - had Grilled Assam Fish with Steamed Rice + Iced Lemon Tea + 2 slices of Watermelon...and i bought myself 2 new books (jumlah terkumpul buku 'akan dibaca' = 14 buah) and a new flowery Arcadia dress (for my upcoming Vietnam trip)...

in the evening, Afif and me went to Lake Titiwangsa so that 'Aina and Iman can do some revision for their tests...that night, a lovely dinner - Kak Intan made Olio Spaghetti...nice...2-3 little shrimps won't harm me...hehe...

ohh...i love my happening weekend...
__________________________________________________

on Monday evening, i had a movie outing with Mas...we watched 'Evolusi KL Drift 2'...a good effort...OK laa...i would gladly rate it at 3.72 stars...it's cruel to compare with Initial D...

the plot is simple...drift actions are OK...the thrill is there...

most people watch but they don't get to see...i saw Abang Muz - hahahahahaha...i like this naive character - sensible yet expressionless...my type of intelligent guy...hehe...

28/03/2010 - 2 years has gone by and i still miss Jack...like i've promised before - the story of Jack 'mati hidup semula'...

recently, about 2 months back - Jeleen's friend had an accident...while sending BGP to a workshop in Lumut, the workshop owner happens to be using Jack...exactly the same plate number (can't reveal here)...only the new reform Jack is white...

Jack's keychain is still with me...

Jack - my 1st sports car...and Jack was my saviour too...my door was the only exit...you see, the chassis had been ruined...

i can't understand why there are people allowing Jack to be reformed as 'kereta potong'...all the best in answering Him later...macam-macam hal...wallahu'allam...

...friendship benchmark...

bee, ade orang ajak kite kawan biase...tapi, kite kawan x biase ngan die...

ooo...bis tu awak kawan biase macam mane?!

hurmm...

awak tau ke die kawan biase macam mane? maybe 'benchmark' die x same ngan awak...

haah...itu kite x tau lah...

and then, i was silent for a long, long time...thinking...

i have never come across this interesting thought...now that it has popped up, it makes me realized that i don't have kawan biase because i can't properly defined (as in benchmarking) the term 'biase'...

i guess i treat each of my friends differently in my own special way...all of you are special and dear to me OK...

indeed i am truly grateful i have special people around me...yeay...alhamdulillah...

oh yaa...to all my special friends - i don't mind to be your kawan biase or kawan tak biase as long as (i hope) whenever you hear my name anywhere, anytime; somehow i cross your mind and you will smile and say,"hey, she's my friend!"

and don't expect biase to come from me yaa...yes...i can be your kawan biase (applicable to all) but none of you are my kawan biase...remember, remember - all of you are my kawan-kawan tak biase...

please do what friends do best - be a good friend...a good friend accepts a good friend the way he/she is...

aliza ialah begini...

aliza sayang kawan-kawan tak biase aliza semuanya :)

______________________________________

happy earth day...and happy earth hour too...wish me luck for tonight's Energizer Night Race 2010...woohoo...i'm going to get my 2nd medal...insyaAllah...

______________________________________

cheer up...too soonlah, liza...sayang ni...

yaa...i know...

i was in your situation once...i know how you're suffering...and now, it is a painful period...for you and for me too...not to worry, we'll work it out OK...

yes...i have plans...just wait and see...and Allah knows the best...

i want to move and i will...

alaaa...kite x pandai cakap...

sape kate? aliza...sekenal kite, kite rase awaklah pandai bercakap than most people...problemnye awak tak bukak mulut je...

my problem: i keep my mouth shut

reason: the truth always hurt...and i speak the truth...

oo Allah...guide me to Your best path...aminnn...

...hidup bersandar harapan...

hope - is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent.

-my all time favourite song-

mungkin hanya Tuhan

yang tahu segalanya

apa yang ku inginkan

di saat-saat ini

kau tak 'kan percaya

kau selalu di hati

haruskah ku menangis

untuk mengatakan yang sesungguhnya

kaulah segalanya bagi ku

kaulah curahan hati ini

tak mungkin ku melupakan mu

tiada lagi yang ku harap

hanya kau seorang

kau tak 'kan percaya

kau selalu di hati

haruskah ku menangis

untuk mengatakan yang sesungguhnya

kaulah segalanya bagi ku

kaulah curahan hati ini

tak mungkin ku melupakan mu

tiada lagi yang ku harap

hanya kau seorang

kaulah segalanya untuk ku

kaulah curahan hati ini

tak mungkin ku melupakan mu

tiada lagi yang ku harap

hanya kau seorang

tiada lagi yang ku harap

hanya kau seorang

...my honesty breaks mama's heart...

mama, i'm sorry...i'm so so sorry...please forgive me...

in order to keeping up pleasing other people's hearts, i forgot the most important heart of all - my mama's...an angel friend reminded me...

yesterday morning, i called mama asking things around the house, mama and abah's life and how's everybody...OK, so mama had a back pain since Sunday...Jeleen will be heading back to Lumut...Jemi ada di rumah...Baby Adik is busy with his campus life...

everything seems normal to me until just right before we hung up...

Ja...Bo lah jujur sangak...Sudoh-sudoh lah...

Hoo... (berdengung sket)

our phone conversation ended there...

and tears welled up my eyes...

then, another angel friend appeared before me...she made me realized the truth that i'm living in denial...i'm partly not OK...

and really, mothers know their children...thank you, mama...

the bright side, things will never be the same again...

mama, i will give time time...you don't need to worry...insyaAllah...He'll protect me...He loves all of us...

it's not even a break up...it's just there...no explanation...more of an imaginary 'thingy'...

so, i got another advice from another friend: don't live in fantasy anymore...

i will my friend...yeay...

oklaa...never thought i'm very open in expressing my feelings...i guess i'm like so many others out there...the only different - iye...saya jujur sangat...dan saya suarakan di sini dengan bebas...

again,mama, please don't worry...it's just the way i'm keeping myself sane...i'm interacting with the world...and i'm loving it...

lately i'm receiving more than i give...

kite patut bsyukur kan...

patut~~~baguslah sekarang dah balik kat awak...

tapinye, sume2 nk sayang kite sekarang...kite x biase...(ini tande x bsyukur - astaghfirullah)

kite takut kite lupe nk return balik...

huhuhu...

tau je orang sayang tp org x tunjuk...

all in all, i conclude that it's our duties to spread Allah's love...

___________________________________________

last Sunday, i went running and climbing all the way up KL Tower...woohooo...2058 steps, all right...hehehe...i'm proud of myself...

i got my first medal for the year 2010: KL International Towerthon Challenge 2010 Finisher Medal...yeay...yeay...not really sure how do i fare with other participants...but, they will print the time record on my certificate...on the running day, we had this ChampionChip attached to our shoelace...i guess i made it less than 30 minutes for the staircases but running from the foothill to the tower really tested my endurance...pancit lah...

climbing up the staircases will really tested your mental strength...i overheard a crew answering to a runner along the way: 5 more to go...and so, i climb and i climb and i climb...

and guess what?!! it's not 5 flight of stairs more - it's actually 5 more water/medical stations to go...ohh...what the well!!!aiyarkk...

finally, i conquered KL Tower...by climbing stairs equivalent to 28th floors building...i am really proud of myself...subhanallah...

the next best thing was a picnic at Sg Pisang...i met many new friends...the waterfall is majestic and cool and just amazing...only we were there...soo nice and crystal clear...and i even had fish spa...ade lagi tempat bersih macam ni...cantikk...

sungguh saya adalah happy :)

...saya tidak marah...

honestly, i'm not angry...towards anyone...

i won't let that negativity dominates me...it's unhealthy...

now, i'm the one who feels guilty...for making certain individual 'susah hati'...

i am sorry...i didn't mean to...

sahlah anda tidak kenal saya...

ade org ckp awak mara...kite pun jwblaa  - tak, aliza x mara...die nk tau je...

awak rase kite tulis cam marah ke?!!

tak pun...kite bace dengan lembut...

hehehehehe...ermmm...

dear friends, have you ever read any 'Cinderella' stories or watched any 'Cinderella' movies?!! any version will do, trust me OK...hargailah 'Cinderella' dlm kisah-kisah itu...

begitu jugaklaa 'malay cinderella'...lebih kuranglah...

selembut-lembut hati - takkan marah orang punyalah :)

semoga sentiasalah aku di bawah lindungan rahmatNya...aminn...

you can feel me if you read with soft tone (like what F did)...thank you!

__________________________________________________

i just came back from PMU Annual Gathering 2010...had fun with fellow DGAs...gedik photos surely be updated in FB...Wir and Apisku were among the lucky friends...food were yummy yummylicious...but, we were lack of mineral water...and no MILO van...i was - TIRED...haaaa...can't think much...

not much time to write as i've promised to pick Farrah after Asar...and i need to go visit MAPEX 2010...will meet up with Zarith if time permits...

hey, i love me...will need to have a good good rest before i tortured myself again...early tomorrow morning...2000++ steps to go...regretting now...hahahaha...

liza will have fun tomorrow...limau, silelah jeles!!

ohh...iye...terlupe pulak...bercakap pasal marah ni, last thursday night, a Negro scolded me...

that Negro guy just came back from his workout...at that time, i was reversing Ryan to park at the curbside of Villa Wangsamas 2 ( i went to Kak Ayu's house)...i can't remember much the words he used in cursing me...i chose to ignore most of them...

he approached me from the left, but i did caught the phrase:

can't you see?!!

in my heart (dear sir, you came from the left OK...maybe you were inside my blind spots...so, that explains why i can't see you...and obviously, you are black...sorry...)

i remained inside Ryan and let him walked past us (still swearing ugly words)...later, Yulie came pick me up...

and i asked Yulie's opinion on whether i should put up a sticker indicating my eye problem...

what it should say: hello...my left eye is 80% blind...beware!!!

nanti orang ingat kau main-main plak...

dah tu, takmo aku pasang tanda OKU...sebab bukan...

this was left unanswered...any suggestions?!!

...post revelation days...

ermm...i've been experiencing a roller coaster emotional stability...

averaging all, i want to stay happy and healthy and pretty...

my writing freedom has been restricted...do i care?!! yess...i feel gloomy...

it's decided i'll just be me...thank you...

yesterday, a friend - W announcing to my section in the office (there were 8 people altogether within the hearing distance) a sarcastic remark:

cinderella hepi ker?!!

W grinned and chuckled...

sape cinderella?!! - my other friend Z snapped at W...

ehh, tak, aku caring hal kawan2 - W replied unguiltily...

oo..ya Allah...unable to express my anger does not mean that i'm not...for me, marah itu bukanlah sifat manusia...itu sifat Yang Maha Esa...

to W, you have your rights to read...yes...i made it public...but, please don't violate my rights...please don't put up a show...thanks for being caring...i appreciate that but you're not the only one...you may give comments here...or send e-mails to me, please...use the technology, OK...we're modern people...

blogging is not new to me...i've been writing (or, should i rephrase as typing) for the past 7 years++...my fellow readers had never interrupted my storyline...they seek me personally for extra clarification...

this bring me to another friend - G who upsets me recently...i'm not really sure who is G...hence, let's just assume G as an anonymous guy who happens to be a friend of S and also a friend of me...

the fact: G was the one who told S about 'malay cinderella'...

i don't know what was G's intention in doing so...i hope it was a good one...tell me, please...

to G, you have your rights to read too...yes, you're welcome...but, i think it's my rights for you to have several words with me first...you should have came and really confirmed your guess of S directly with me...i admitted it was my mistake in making it soooo obvious...but, still, we might discuss things...

i've never mentioned directly i'm falling for S...you, G and other readers might be interpretting differently...that will be your thoughts...i respected that...

in my previous posts, i did share how scared i am to open up...so, i'm still in the developing phase myself...i start building my foundation slowly...do you get my point here? i want to discover it by myself - be it in a simple or hard way...i shared my journey here but i don't expect my piling came tumbling down just like that...this is what i called a sabotage...again, i don't know what is your good intention - meddling into my world...

when, you know, all this while, my friends have been following my stories too...they came and asked figuring who is S...i answered when i want to...

even the closest friend of S and me - F do not cross the line...F let me be me...

because of what?!!
because nobody really knows how does the relationship really is between S and me...nobody can tell...i'm just happy i care...this is not a surprise...i care for many others too...

reevaluating myself, i'm accepting my fate...Allah wills it to happen...alhamdulillah..

we're good friends...i will always be...i do want to care..as usual...just let me be...

p/s: my mama read my blog too...i love you, mama :)

enough on this, other happenings:

1. my blergghhhh job - currently i'm charting 4 options to be discussed with my unhelpful boss...all the best dear boss in answering Him later...once i'm ready, will share it here...
2. my home hunting - i will decide by end of this month...will be viewing 3 more apartments...and planning to visit MAPEX this weekend...
3. my fitness - Towerthon Challenge this Sunday...yeay...

currently still reading 'Lasykar Pelangi' - stucked at page 54...hurmm...Pesta Buku Antarabangsa starts today...oh noo....oh noo....gilalah saya...hehe...tapi kan...in my new home - insyaAllah i will have a library...yeay...yeay...

...new ground rule : appreciation..

kuakhiri namun tak berakhir~~~

kuhindari...hati tak ingin terpisah~~~

huhu...unexpectedly i've to deal with this, once and for all...

it ended well...

last sunday evening, i had my doubts on 'that girl'...so, i went to see Q...

in short, i told Q about my change of approach when i thought that i am 'that girl'...

for nearly 2 weeks, 'that girl' never went missing...

but, still, there was a loophole...for how long shall i remain as 'that girl'?!!

'that girl' texted S and eventually S will reply...the next day, 'that girl' texted again and S reply again...so on and so forth...

i wonder where's the lead?

'that girl' definitely needs the certainty...

Q then concluded that 'that girl' should stop short and see...

then, it was monday morning...still miserable and partly lost...i need to makan with F...

we had a hearty breakfast...F made me wore a different cap...

her say: be a friend...a good one...

aliza...kawan tak tinggal kawan...amik +ve please...kenape awak kawan S? die buat awak hepi...jgn tanye kenape...anggap je die mungkin hepi kawan dgn awak...so, awak hepi...die pun hepi...OKlaa tuuu...

glad i had that conversation with F...

returning back to the office, i remained a good friend to S...

as usual, i greeted my 'teman bicara' = S via instant messages...

on this fine day, the topic was regarding patience...

memorable quotes -

S: ehh, u xde pun buat ape2 yg i kene sabar

me: :)

after lunch, at around 230pm, i was busy updating F about our upcoming trip when suddenly F received a shocking news...

jengjengjeng...S just knew about the existence of 'malay cinderella'...haaaaa...

see how 'menguji kesabaran' i am to S now...truly, i am sorry...i can't imagine how you had your lunch session my dear dear S...please forgive me, OK...

yerp...sabar tu xde limit...tp btempat...

di tempat makan dikelilingi rakan-rakan...ohh...thanks for being patience...

after Maghrib when i was a little bit calm, i send an SMS to S apologizing and admitting the awkwardness i've created...

S gave me a satisfactory answer...

and we cleared the air of 'that girl' - which is not me...

again, i apologized for being misunderstanding...

haha...i really learnt a lot...alhamdulillah...

the most important lesson:

liza, you have tried...yeay...yeay...

this was a good life afterall...

to my dear S, thanks for the lovely memories...you simply made me happy...my advice: please be more brave...everything will be just fine...insyaAllah...

many sets of friends equal to many pairs of shoes...i appreciate all of them regardless...thank you friends!

waaaa...what a victory for me...thank you Allah...

i LOVE~~~

p/s: ironically, K (a guy friend) told Y to advise me not to put up much details in my writings...this happened during my lunch date yesterday...and guess what, i vowed to that - yesterday...hahahahahaha...

i am stubborn...oo Allah, please forgive me...and give me utmost strength...aminn...

...fear of dependency...

finally, i've managed to unveil this phobic ailment within me...

last wednesday, i accompanied Q to buy her prepaid top up ticket...and we were quite impressed with a new Sony Ericsson mobile phone (i don't know the model series)...oo...maybe i just like the limited edition version in sweet pink casing...

and so, i asked how much will i get for trading in my old Nokia 6500 slide...around RM350...hurmm...

i went back home that evening searching for my Nokia's box and whatnots...hey, i've been using it for nearly 2 years, folks! hence, a good deal if i could secure RM300, right?!hahaha

oklaa...that's not the point, really...

now, having known that i've been stucked with this Nokia for 2 years is telling me that i've been almost independent for 3 years ++...i can say my life was a bliss but i've been hiding...i thought that i've given myself chances...

oh no...actually i've dismissed myself...

blame it on my past experiences...i've become extra cautious at everytime...i've been running...i've neglected many regards, attention directed in my way...just like that...

don't get me wrong...i'm not playing 'hard to get'...i am naturally a simple girl...i just couldn't be fair with my healing time...which was sad...

so now, i need to overcome my fear of dependency...

being independent is good, but sometimes being dependent is better...see in which angle you're referring to...

i can depend on S when it comes to being sick (sakit kakilah, demamlah, batuklah), work problems, house problems...and i love discussions of my soul searching...S gives me something to ponder...and i can share my joy as well...my guess, again, S cared...a little...

and so, i become scared...

current happening:

last friday, i depended on S...huhu...we had a convoy trip upon my initiation...i believe He wills it...alhamdulillah...S did care...a little...

yes, S had mentioned that he's going with the flow...but hey, you know what?!!

i am scared...

Allahuakbar...yesterday, we met for the first time for the year 2010..haaaaa :)

eventually, our paths surely crossed with Allah's wills...insyaAllah...

p/s: i would want to update on many many other things (my blergghhh job, my home hunting, my upcoming trip) but it seems that i'm settling for this weird encounter of me and S...friends, pray for the best...i truly appreciate that...thanks!

me = 'that girl'

huhu....my lovely girlfriends cheered me up yesterday...

early morning, we had pre-lunch gossip session via instant messages...

F being the eager one to share her findings (a gedik girlfriend) + P my bestest buddy ever (a loving mama and wife) + J my supportive ex-roomie (a new wife)...

our conversations mainly focused on 'that girl'...

here are part of the story:

two days back, F had a breakfast session with her colleagues...including S...
they chatted and one of F's friend:L brought up the subject of me and S...oopss...

and S admitted that he and me are smsing....yeay...
the fact that he did being open to inform his friends about us makes me somewhat relieved and joyful...a positive indication...thank you Allah...

F gasped at that confession...hahahaha...nice one...

the next thing was, S asked for advice from F and L regarding 'that girl'...S made it sound casual but F was interpreting 'that girl' as me...

according to S, he's in a stage of going with the flow with 'that girl'...hence, now i know, S cared a little for 'that girl'...this is enough...

i don't know who's 'that girl'...
i'm glad if i'm 'that girl'...alhamdulillah...

now, i'll be just me...and go with the flow too...
let's crossflow with Allah's wills...insyaAllah...
my supplication remains intact...

then, i got lots of encouragement and tips and experience sharing by baton passing of F, P and J...thank you so much...

...foreign emotion...

ermm...jangan putus asa dengan rahmat dan pertolongan Allah,

kalau kite dh bjaye tawakkal, itu tandenye kite x putus asa dgn Allah

thank you S...

i got this advice from S yesterday morning when i voiced out my miserableness in accepting my fate...it sure is difficult...

OK, i will put my best to really humbling myself in accepting His wills...insyaAllah...

oo Allah, please cure my stubbornness...and give me simple signs...

love me and love S dearly please...aminn...

and yesterday, S received happy news...made him feel good...i feel good too...and i'm proud of S's achievement...congratulations...Allah Maha Adil...

what is a foreign emotion?!!
ermm, actually it stems out from a feeling i can't possibly describe...

i've been thinking about this 2 days ago:

you see, after all frank confessions that i've made public here...never had i cared enough to consider what will i feel if i am S...these things do not happen to me...

reading back all my posts, i still can't feel what i think it should be felt like...

i want to feel but i am not S...

to my readers out there, you're reading my feelings, right?!! my stories are my stories (meaning: my side)...

what if you're S?!! how would you feel?
you can't feel, right?

only S knows...

haaa...i'm in dilemma...

one of my bestie said: it's OK dear, your posts are anonymously written...S is S...he's not *a*a*u*...

now, i am back to square one...i am 'mambar' - i am not happy, i am not not happy also...i am me...

and i love because of Him...He knows...

ohh liza, please be realistic...

OK, i write what i feel right now...my feelings are pure and dynamic...
i believe i love because of Him...i don't know S...

i want to know S if and only if S wants to know me too...

kalau sudah berkenan di hati, berterus-teranglah (i am not ready) dan minta dia meminang (my wish)...

but, as i've made a promise to S that i will strive to really tawakkal, then all shall be placed upon His wills...

and i've got a note from another bestie: aliza...ko rase ko dh jumpe yg baik...itu ko rase...cube ko bukak lagi, ko jumpe yg lg baik...kite x tau kan...mase tu nnt ko terpk balik, knape laa ko suke yg sebelum ni...kan dah brape kali rase...

i nodded...yess...

and jodoh bukan jodoh sehinggalah sudah ijab dan kabul...Allahuakbar...