...if being sick bringing smiles, i am happy living it...

huhuhu...a comment from adiba in the previous entry: cerite korea ye..(hehe, more than that laa - ini kisah CinderLIZA)

actually, i've been keeping a lot to myself...bits of little little precious moments (meaningful & special to me at the point of time they were happening)...now, i want to remember...eventually, those are parts of my life...and S...

recently, i went for a free medical check-up organized by GHSE...i was offered basic examination plus blood test analysis...i've lost 2kgs since my 1 1/2 months jog session...yeay...4kgs more to lose, please...

and my blood test results finally was released on Wednesday...i am considered an average healthy adult...something that needs attention is my high uric acid level...it is far beyond the threshold limit...i was diagnosed with hiperuricemia...

i addressed this through my social network account and received caring notes from friends...including S...

erkk, sakit ape?!!

at one time, i was hurt when i got a remark from S saying my illness is of minor...S was sorry and i got his point of trying to comfort me by saying that he got even bigger health problem...

S: cehh...tinggi asid jek...

me: (terase)

S: sy ade high BP...sorry aa kalu terase...

what happens next was that - now, i'm the one who's worried that S now became terase with me...

i was quite curious that morning of S being caring...he's nice but never express it publicly...this is a progress...haha...dush...i'm over analyzing...again...

OK, back to the story...

because of my curiosity, i then viewed S's page and was strucked at his status notes...somebody had actually label S as a less brain...ohh...poor S...

and i knew that S surely had a bad day...i comforted S via instant messages then...my messages reached him...i know...

S resumed back...S even gave good nutritional advice...regardless of where he sourced that out, that was an effort...over analyzing...again...yess...i love it OK...

the truth is, my dear S, i've long known that you had high BP...way back before we went to Genting...that has never bothered me...both my parents had it too...mine is a mild one...having normal BP on the high side...

i've other lackings too...i've survived a near death experience...i've undergone 2 surgeries...now, am adjusting to different diet...that's why i'm holding on...i suppress my feelings...

but, i treasure life more and more...

and it's just there when i want to care for someone...someone like S...

recalling in July, S was hospitalized outside Malaysia...i was worried back then...but, i didn't do much...that was the time i was told by F - S once said we have no chemistry...

S even had a minor surgery (this one was in Malaysia)...i cared too...maybe a little concern...because we're friends...

that was cerita lama...i've no regrets...done my part...

it was then my time of having glaucoma...

after convocation ceremony, i went for my first surgery on my left eye...2 months recovery period until September...

next thing is - surgery on my right eye in middle of October which brought me to another 2 months recovery period until early December...

i guess everything happens for a reason...we never know...

deep down, i know i've become better in many subjects...i love even more...hanya Allah yang tahu...

over the time,i've felt the comfort...i now can turn to S for ngadu sakit...hahaha...something i don't consider to so many others... little by little, i found my trust in S...and i like it when he cares back...a little...i don't ask much...alhamdulillah...

ohh...talking about my no expectation of me and S... i just can't seem to resist my voices of the heart...

i will know my limit...insyaAllah...

and only He knows...and i trust Him in loving me and S...

...my happiness...

is totally indescribable...

i seek for it everytime...

today, i got a feeling this is a good time to write...i just feel wonderful...from my heart, i know in the next few lines, they are all pure expressions from me...

i currently read '7 things to talk about'...finished one chapter last night...it's a moderate reading...hence, i should balance out with a lighter book - will pick 'Lasykar Pelangi'...huuu...

i went to 2 friends' wedding receptions - both in Pontian...i love weddings...Ujie and Hana - congratulations to both of you and dear husbands...

in the middle of the 2 occasions (one occurring on 13 Feb while the other on 14 Feb), i've got a chance for a nature escape to Taman Negara Tanjung Piai together with Shon and Waida...it was a refreshing moment for the three of us...calming...ohh....considering our day-to-day hectic KL life...seeing monkeys and 'belacak' and molluscs...ohh what a bliss...smelling the mud of mangrove forests...even the sampans and perahus made me over excited...hahaha...

OK...now's the title entry...

last Tuesday, something struck me...it made me down the whole day...i was wrecked...

i was told that i was not moving on...

true in a sense that i've never think on the other perspective...being me, i analyzed and took positive way out (on almost everything)...this manner exhausted me...at some points...

i cried several times that day...i was sad...

luckily, Allah did send pretty angels...Abie, Yulie, Bearbear, Mas and even Beebee (jarak di antara kita...beribu batuu~~~rindu pada kamuuu~~)...

what happen was i finally open up/back my heart...and this leads to longing and hope and expectation...i created that...to myself...it is an illusion...and it was bad for my soul...i become dependent...

what is worse - i am hoping and leaning at something invisible and beyond my control...like my wise Abie said to me: "ko tak jumpe pun, ko boleh suke, parah nehh..."

nearly 2 months OK - me and my 'sandaran'...seems unrealistic (to most sane people)...but, saya ialah begini...no mistake...

my sweethearts are grateful when i'm finally opening up...a good step...yess...

but, if it's only me and my stubbornness - that is wrong...now, my sweethearts are worried of me getting hurt...again...by myself...

after a while, i'm back to my ultimate lover, Allah the Almighty...with Him, i corrected my intention...i completely surrendered to Him...insyaAllah...He calms me now...

i still open my heart...and my desire to halfly fulfill my religion is there...with His blessings, He shall rejoin me with His lover to guide me to His Jannah...insyaAllah...aminn...

p/s: S and me...hermm...no expectations... a good feeling there is...

...S noticed me...

haha...

yup...he did noticed me...ehh...no laa...S noticed Ryan....which eventually signalling that he noticed me...betul?!!

3 days ago...

or am i being over-analysing?!!
again?!!!

please knock my head...
dush 3x

still, that simple thing brighten my days (days OK - i'm just happy and happy)...

OK, i'll let you guys analyze...

it happened along Jalan Semarak, in the traffic after Friday evening office hours...

my SMS to S: Salam, hey, i saw Ipin (S's CITY) juz now, tp S x kenal Ryan ek,

his reply to me 15 minutes later: Hehe. X bape sure td. Tp rasenye dh btul.

...reality check - the tale of S and me...

alhamdulillah...it's much easier when you're accepting no expectations...

i care for no reason...i don't need one...

ohh...i'm in my alone time mode now...

start to grasp the wonder of it...

i heal quickly...praise to Allah the Almighty...

...aku pelangi...

ku selalu di hati
membuai rayumu
hiasi dunia sepimu
seukir senyuman dariku
menggegar mayamu
kau segalanya bagiku

takkan setia takkan kembali
bawa dirimu dan tinggalkan ku
ke matamu lihatlah diriku
aku pelangi yang dinanti

ku sinar cahayamu
disaat indahmu juga waktu resahmu
ku lukisan imaginmu
kini kau membisu setelah ku tiada

takkan setia takkan kembali
bawa dirimu dan tinggalkanku
ke matamu lihatlah diriku
aku pelangi yang dinanti

berharap bayangku pulang
nikmati tiada ku
ohh ooo...

ke matamu lihat diriku
aku pelangi yang dinanti
buka matamu
lihat diriku
aku pelangi...

...jangan bilang tidak...

ku pernah punya cinta (ehhh...tak pernah sebenarnye)

namun kini ku sedang suka kamu

cintaku dulu telah kubuang jauh (tak ade cinta dulu)

kini ku ingin kamu

ku pernah menyendiri 

di sini ku akan terasa sepi

walaupun bibir penuh gelak tawa 

namun hatiku sepi

jangan bilang tidak 

bila kita belum mencoba

siapa yang tahu akan sama 

hatimu dan juga hatiku

banyak yang bercinta 

bertahun-tahun putus juga

kuharapkan dengan dirimu 

walaupun singkat pendekatan

cinta kita kan abadi

ku pernah punya cinta  (tak ade ye)

namun kini ku sedang suka kamu

cintaku dulu telah kubuang jauh (betul2 tak ade OK)

 kini ku ingin kamu

jangan bilang tidak 

bila kita belum mencoba

siapa yang tahu akan sama 

hatimu dan juga hatiku

banyak yang bercinta 

bertahun-tahun putus juga

kuharapkan dengan dirimu 

walaupun singkat pendekatan

jangan bilang tidak 

waktu dicium aku bingung (oh...NO...haram nehh)

namun dada ini bergetar 

makanya sungguh aku mohon

jangan bilang tidak

...does S see me?!!

honestly, i don’t know…S and me haven’t met each other almost 40++ days now…

somehow, at this moment, i’ve come to the stage where my heart feels His LOVE…

Allah has shown me another dimension of life…a tragic event…loss of loved ones…

i now realize i should be true to myself…i am more accepting now…because i know Allah loves me…

and so i can LOVE too…without fear…Allah will protect me…

and so i care…for S…unconditionally…

i must take it easy on me…and S…

NO more too much thinking…i like the advice taken from lifebook 2010 (thanks Anna): “don’t take yourself too seriously, nobody else does.”

with that in mind, i’ve found a new hope…and i think the first failure is to not trying at all…i give myself chances all the time and most importantly, i believe in His LOVE…

here’s an incident with Mama –

Mama: Bakpo ni siku ni lagu ni?!! (pointing at my not-so nice marked elbow)
Me: Meme bughok lamo doh…
Mama: Tulah hok paling molek sekali…

alhamdulillah…thank you Mama…you see the perfect me in every way…
ergo, i now see others' perfectness too…

back to the question, Allah knows what’s best because He loves me and He loves S too…

if we’re destined to be together, Allah surely leads in His blessings…and if we weren’t meant for each other, please, oo Allah, do part us in Your Blessings too…insyaAllah…

i do what i want to and i’ve nothing to lose…i just LOVE~~~

S, kenape kite kawan macam ni?!!

an SMS from my bestie F: Huhu.Jgn la tanya.Soalan tu mcm pelik...
my reply to F: Kite kan pelik,kite tau tu,haha

oklaa...my happenings recently...

books i've read in the last 2 weeks: 101 Things to Do Before You DIET, Jadilah Wanita Terpuji Dunia & Akhirat
currently reading: Letters to Sam

latest movie i've watched: Adnan Sempit (4.03 stars) - an enjoyable outing - Thanks Mas!

congrats to Raf and Kasya on their wedding...

Ayu and Apisku moved in to their new crib...nice...hey, when can i come visit?

Ryan went for 25000km service, haven't renewed Shin Chan's road tax yet...and guess what - arwah Jack 'mati hidup semula'...this is interesting...i'll cover this one sometimes later...

and just two days ago, i've successfully registered for Energizer Night Race 2010...yeay...yeay...

...two posi+ve signs...

lalalalalalalala~~~

uhukk...uhukk... (am still coughing)

but somebody do cares...

:) :) :)

...mim yaa sin ha yaa mim...

huhuhu...can aa?!!

read something wonderful at hana's blog...

and so, i've come up with my own version...

budak berangan like me~~~

ohh...kamon...

all these berangan thingy keeps me sane...

i now pronounce 2010 to be my LOVE spirit year!

yeay...yeay...

my perception of LOVE (at present) : i want to fall in LOVE but i don't need to...i will fall once i know the one will catch me...

i am colouring my life...and i love many others who love me too...and i like these phrases (got it from Erin's blog): choose the one you LOVE and then LOVE the one you choose...i am treating someone...

i get to ride and live in this world with only one journey...i need to have as many fond memories ever...i am happy i care...and i understand the reality of people who are unable to return the same feelings...i respected that...please respect mine too...when i want to, just let me be...

as long as no harm to me, you make me happy...

kasihku keranaNya...insyaAllah...

...buat Bidibku sayang...

aku merinduimu...ting tong!

these words have always been the mukaddimah to our e-mail messages...

and you always seem pleased to be chatting in Malay with me...

hahaha...duduk Manchester kene spekong ye yang...cakap Melayu ngan aku ni klasik laa pulak kan...

hey, you still owe me the mysterious 'ring' story...jangan buat-buat lupa...akan kutuntut...

and today, i feel blessed to know that i've found someone who can aged gracefully together with me...you go, first...hahahaha

Happy Birthday, Bidibku sayang...have a great one :)

i sing for you~~~

awan berarak ceria

tiada titisan hujan

pohon melambai tanda sokongan

kususuri perjalanan

bertemankan senyuman

di hari lahirmu, sahabatku~~~

dedaun berguguran

membuktikan kedewasaan

walau tanpa madah dan hadiah

namun cukup bagiku sekadar ucapan

selamat hari lahir

iringi doa kuhulur

bersyukur kepadaNya

atas nikmat usia

sahabatku

usia yang Tuhan kurniakan ini

hiasilah ia dengan amalan yang murni

semoga ia menjadi temanmu di akhirat nanti

selamat hari lahir

usiamu ibarat mutiara

tiada berganti lagi

hiaskan iman bersulam taqwa

agar sempat mengucup

haruman syurgawi

...a big Step...

I take care of myself…I really do…greatly…And I take care of many others…this, I believe…

Ergo, it is a big step for me when I want to let another being to care for me…hehe…

I just want~~~

Did I ask for it?!! yup…And it happened…

S cared…a little…

I felt relieved …and…magical…and somewhat happy :)

Please care more….

Haaaa…berangan laa kau sorang!

OK, the story…

I was a bit miserable last night…I came back late and discovered that the only light in my room can’t be switched on…and the light was not even blinking…at both ends of its bulb, still orange light appeared…

I would’ve called Abah but I know that he and Mama were attending kuliah at the surau…Abema’s still in Bandung and Jemi’s working night shift this time around…

I was left with S…haha…ohh Liza, please admit that you wanted S to care…heeeee :)

And so, I texted S…a simple message indicating my so-called light problem…I then waited for S to reply…

But hey…my phone’s ringing…Gosh, I never expected this….

Yeay, I picked it up…and S and me did talking…

I was shaking (probably because of I was shocked)…S was calm, I guess…at the other end, I thought that S laughed figuring how disorderly I am…haha…I laughed at myself too…

S’s first concern was am I alone?!! Apparently, yes without my roomie (she’s attending a course in Kerteh)…and my other 2 housies already nestled in their own rooms…I am YES & NO alone…

S then suggesting two possibilities – either the starter or the bulb…I was blurred…and S talked about black marks (I know nothing about)…I only grasped the key: starter/bulb and I can’t possibly resolve the matter that night…

I like the idea of S’s immediate call :) I thanked him…

After we hung up, I stared at the light and realized my room ceiling is way too high…I texted S again…

No call now, but S replied back he can’t be of much help since he’s staying in Shah Alam this week…and I will need a ladder…which No14 doesn’t have…I assured S that I’ll ask the neighbours…

Nothing much can be done…at 930pm, I was already disappointed…I can’t read, I can’t write…Living room was not an option…

Last SMS of the day: Gelapnye, gud nite S

Here came the reply: Huhu.Ok, gelap sng tido, hehe.

I dozed off smiling…zZzzZzzz…dreaming…dreaming of the light at the end of the tunnel…

...berat mata memandang...

haaaaa...mungkinlah...

especially when you now have limited pandangan...

nevertheless, i'm truly grateful & blessed for i still can see...

i still can see...alhamdulillah...yess...i SEE you...

yesterday, i went for my countless post-eye surgery follow up at ISEC, Midvalley...it has been nearly 2 1/2 months since i had my trabeculectomy operation on my right eye (my left's undergone the same one in August)...it was a simple procedure whereby an artificial tube was implanted at the back of my eyeballs so that i can cry with tears flowing :( sobsob...

my bleb (both eyes) still held tiny stitches as my opthalmologist advised me not to remove them so long as i can control my eye stress level...i will be HAPPY all the time...to SEE...insyaAllah...

wonder how exclusive my eyes now become?!!

hurmm...

Mama, Ja OK doh...Dokto tok ghoyak gapo2...

Stress pung OK, kane tigo belah, hok lek kighi ni duo belah... (normal range: 10 - 12)

the truth is, i did a visual field test yesterday...it's to measure the areas of my vision ability...at the age of 26++, my results can't be well accepted...but that's there to it...huhuhu...

my left eye now sees with around 19% vision ability...the rest are blind spots...

luckily, my right eye survived with 65% vision ability...yeay...

affecting my life?!!

a little, yess...

my undamaged left eye optic nerves are located mainly at the central region...to see, i mean, to walk around, i'll have to balance out with my right eye vision...big challenge would be the fear of tripping down the stairs - OK for me to climb, slightly difficult when descending...loving it whenever a dearie (you know who you are *wink*wink*) hold my right hand...handrails do help...using a blindman stick?!!ohh...NO please!

ehh...can i drive?!!

YES...YESSSS...i am extra careful laa...

what's with my cute Ryan's plate number: WRV151 - White Ryan V151...visi...hahaha...hahaha...

spending time cruising with sweetheart Ryan makes me happy...

when i am happy...i see clearly...i see the world...i see you...

thank you Allah :)